Youths saved, not lost.
When I was growing up the term “bully/bullying” was nonexistent, this is not to say that the behavior was not present, however, it just was not labeled as bullying. To be honest when youths would report bullying it was often labeled as rough-housing or teasing, and it was not taken seriously at all.
I recall the very first experience I had with bullying was in kindergarten. I remember I was pushed to the ground and had rocks kicked into my face. I was confused and had no idea what I done to deserve it, and I did not know how to respond to it. Should I tell someone? Was it a mistake? Did I say something to deserve it? Will it happen again unprovoked?
I remember I chose to just ignore it and chalk it up as a mistake, and this would be the first mistake I would make. The bullying would only increase the following years in elementary school. I never stood up for myself and I just allowed them to do whatever they wanted as I felt they would leave me alone.
However, this only allowed them to feel they could do whatever they wanted to me, and as a result they would spit on me, call me names, push me, kick me, knock me off or out of my desk, trip me, they would do whatever they could to make me feel lesser then.
I continued to remain silent about it, and I refused to tell anyone. One of the reasons for this was witnessing how teachers would react when a youth would tell them. Majority of the times that I witnessed a youth speaking up would result with the teacher shrugging it off, and sometimes the teacher would even make the youth who spoke up feel as if they were at fault, or that they were being weak.
I took that as a sign that speaking up would be a waste of my time. Therefore, I just held up all my emotions and accepted the day-to-day bullying. What would be my breaking point though? What would someone have to do for me to speak up? I never really thought about that to be honest. I never thought about what would be the most extreme as it was always consistently the same behavior.
However, this would change in 1996 (grade 6). I was leaving the portable doors to exit to the field and walk home. When I opened the doors and stepped out I was tripped and pushed down the stairs. I remember when I fell two males grabbed my arms and spread them out, and a third male would proceed to throw rocks and razor blades at my head and body while calling me names.
I fought them off of me and stood up infuriated, at first I was considering to fight back, however, I chose to turn around and speed walk home. I would get home and clean myself up and would ultimately choose to remain silent. So, this was not my breaking point. I was just assaulted and I still chose to remain silent. What would it take for me to speak up?!
The truth is I would never speak up to anyone while I was in school. I would not speak up until years after I graduated high school, and looking back this is something I realize was wrong. The bullying would carry over into junior high with the same people and some new ones.
In 1999 (grade 9) I would have my first battle with suicidal ideation due to depression, anxiety, and being fed up with the bullying. However, I still would not speak up (once again, a regret of mine). I remember I would get home from school and throw my backpack against my wall and just lay in bed crying out of anger and frustration, and then I would get up and repeat the process.
Then came high school and the option to join the football team. At first I was skeptical and hesitant, and then I was convinced by some people who knew me. Maybe they knew I had a lot of pent up anger and felt due to that I would be great for the team, and they were right. Football was a great release for me, and it gave me an outlet to create confidence.
I would start to lose weight and as I realized that I was becoming more confident, and as a result I started to stand up for myself more. It also helped that I was gaining the respect from my fellow teammates due to how I was performing on the field. For the first time ever I felt like I belonged somewhere and that I had support.
I was not experiencing much bullying in high school as I started to stand up for myself verbally. However, it was only a matter of time before I would have to stand up for myself physically (not something I encourage). I remember one time in gym class we were outside playing ultimate frisbee and a male was always pushing me, and it seemed like he was trying to use me as a way to get laughs from others. He tried to push me again and I caught him coming out of the corner of my eyes and I ducked. As a result he flew over me and would land hard on his back. He would get up and try to confront me and I smirked and walked away.
I was confident this would have squashed anything between us, however, when we all arrived to the change room I quickly learned it wasn’t. He would lunge at me as I was changing and pushed me back first against the lockers, he would then start to throw punches, and I would grapple him and tripped him to the floor. I was always taught to never throw punches closed fist, and to use palm strikes and try to go and safely restrain the person. Therefore, I worked to get on a submission while he was throwing punches.
I was able to restrain him with a headlock until other males started to separate us. After the fight I remember I walked home feeling proud of myself as for once I was able to stand up and stop someone from assaulting me. After this experience my confidence was very high and I walked differently in the hallways.
Am I saying that getting into a fight and winning should be the goal? Nope, all I am saying is that the reality is there may be a time where the only option you have is to stand up and defend yourself physically. This is why I strongly encourage everyone to study self-defense, as you never know when you will need to rely on it.
High school was a struggle academically for me due to my ADHD, however, I was happy with how the bullying was coming to an end for me, what I did not realize for awhile was even though it was stopping for me, many others were still dealing with being bullied. I remember I witness a male being bullied for his physical appearance, and then one of the bullies would push him and I immediately intervened and pushed the male away. The male and his friends then tried to come at me until my football teammates and even some of my old bullies stepped up to help us.
It was then I realized that I had a support system, and that standing up for someone else was an amazing feeling. I then realized that I wished I had someone step up for me when I was younger, and at this moment I promised that I would step up for someone else just as I wished others did for me.
It takes unity to stop bullying is what I learned with my experiences. I learned that even those who bully you in the past could become your supporters. It is through unity that bullying could be stopped or become less of an issue overall. Bullies feed off of power, and they feed off of being in numbers, and when they realize there is more supporters than there are bullies they tend to submit, and this is exactly what happened when my supporters rallied behind me. Support and unity.
Bullying tends to happen with a pack mentality, and it only makes sense that when a larger pack of supporters are present that they will overwhelm the pack of bullies through presence alone. I also learned of how of powerful it is to not just stand around and watch, as that only makes you part of the problem. When you see someone being bullied you always have a choice to be part of the problem, or to be part of the solution. You can go and get help, you can begin to tape with intent to deliver to police or the school, you can speak up and demand they stop and could potentially inspire others to as well.
To just stand there and watch does not help anyone, and only allows increased risk for someone to be hurt. If you see an act of bullying, do something, please. Being someone who wished others would have stepped up sooner than later, I can tell you it is an amazing feeling to feel you have support.
I would graduate from high school in 2003, however, I would have to come back for 6 months to finish some upgrading. Due to this I would be able to spend time with my buddy from junior high school, Davor. Davor was such a great guy with a sense of humor, and he always wanted to make you happy. Therefore, I was so excited to know I had some classes with him, and we would have sometime with one another.
What I did not realize was that he was being bullied a lot due to his sexual orientation, and I regret not realizing this sooner than later. I remember one morning I was heading to class when I heard screaming and crying. I would head towards the noise and I would learn that Davor passed away due to suicide. It broke me, it absolutely shattered me. We learned that he passed due to suicide as a result of how he was being bullied and treated due to his sexual orientation. This happened in 2004.
It took me years to battle this feeling I did not protect him enough, and that I was not there for him. I honestly had no idea what he was going through, and he always seemed so happy when we were hanging out. Then it hit me, he was happy when he was with me as he felt protected and that he was accepted 100% for who he was. I realized he never seemed sad around me as we always had so much fun, and then I wished we had more time together.
In 2004 this was a very uncommon situation, it was unheard of to lose a youth due to suicide as a result of bullying. It shook the school and you could tell that it affected everyone in some way. After Davor passed I would not be the same, and my passion for anti-bullying was strong. I was done. Losing a good friend due to something that should not ever be an issue was infuriating.
However, here we are in 2021 and bullying has only grown to be a much larger issue. The statistics for youth suicide are growing, and the amount of bullying reports are also increasing. Over 160,000 youths a day refuse to go to school due to fear of being bullied. On average every 7 minutes a youth is bullied. Social Media bullying is on the rise, and it feels like these youths have no escape from being bullied. Enough is enough.
As I mentioned in my story, it was unity and support that helped me. This is what is needed. We need more unity and support. We need less posters and ads about anti-bullying, and we need more action and proof that unity and support is there. Youths feel unheard and they feel their reports are met with plastic smiles and fake promises. There needs to be action, and there needs to be a normalization of consequences for bullying.
We also need to realize that the use of “bullying” is often misplaced. When there is abuse, harassment, sexual abuse, or physical abuse it is not longer bullying, but, now criminal activity. There are already laws in place to protect these youths from assault, abuse, harassment, etc. Bullying is often not taken seriously and as result is often ignored. It is time we know when bullying becomes criminal, and when there needs to be response.
Youths saved, not lost. This is the focus, and we need to do whatever we can to ensure that mission is accomplished. More action, there is already enough awareness, and now the next step is application. Doing what we need to do to protect the youth. I know more youths who have passed due to suicide. My friend Davor was the first loss I would experience, and since 2004 I have met many families and youths who have been affected by losing a loved one due to suicide as a result of abuse and/or bullying.
Youths saved, not lost.
List of global suicide crisis lines:
